Le Sexpert

Experience is definitely an asset in Older Women Younger Men 9…for the wanton women featured in what for some of them might be their final fling in porn. (or maybe it should be even if it isn’t) This movie is very much a young porn fan’s wet dream come true, and even stars porn sensation of the past, Amber Lynn, showing us that fifteen years later she can still ring the bells.

Older Women Younger Men 9 explores the world of milf fantasies from both sides as these young dudes get ’seduced’ by these cougars on the prowl. Innocent and innocuous situations lead to sizzling sex in a brilliant matching of male and female libidos at their peak. These well-seasoned milfs make the most of this opportunity to show us that they still have ‘it’ (and the heat factor is high enough that for most of them I agree that they don’t need to be put to pasture yet and can still chew cum awhile before it’s time to just chew cud). As for the actors, it gives them a chance to show their stuff as well and make the most of it giving these professional pussies thrill after thrill.

The slut factor in Older Women Younger Men 9 combined with the chance to see a cock-pro like Amber Lynn in action again gets this movie four hard cocks-up.

If you’ve ever been to the mall on the weekend you’ve probably seen gangs of teen Asian chicks hanging around excitedly chattering into their cells, giggling about boys and whining about all that ‘girl stuff’ to each other, and usually very loudly. If you’re like me, then that kind of thing makes your skin crawl and drives you totally nuts. There’s nothing worse than a group of girls who can’t shut the fuck up and be quiet for two shakes, especially when they’re sexy and could be using their mouths for way better purposes than annoying the hell out of weekend shoppers like me.

Totally Asian and 18 brings us some of these types of chicks, but in a totally different setting (thank fuck) and I must say they’re not quite as irritating with their mouths stuffed full of cock, tho the action could definitely have been hotter than it was. The sex was okay…nothing special though, that ‘zing’ factor was definitely missing from this movie.

We get three average scenes that you’ll probably enjoy if you’re into asian chicks…there’s fucking and sucking outdoors…sexy petite bodies in stockings and suspenders…mutual masturbation that turns into a somewhat hot lesbo scene when one chick pulls out a big pink strap-on to fuck the other with. The movie finishes with a threesome when one of these asian babes grabs two well-hung dudes for a double pounding scene that makes the movie.

Totally Asian and 18, tho not really my bag, was hot enough to score three stiff cocks-up.

Buckle in for a sapphic slut safari as some of the most nymphed out chicks I’ve seen in porn totally get it on with each other, and if you are trying to talk your chick into either checking out some toys, or even checking out some girl-on-girl action of her own, Lesbo Sluts in Heat is totally going to encourage her to do so when she sees these sluts enjoying soaking explosive orgasms, one after another…the kind your girlfriend only dreams about in the type of dreams that make her feel sweaty and guilty after.

Seriously man…the chicks in Lesbo Sluts in Heat are chicks who totally get off getting it on, and they make up for the lack of cock with some very skillful dildo and vibrator use, driving each other into some incredibly freakin loud and wet orgasms. Nor do these sluts limit themselves in usage of location as they show you that any room or place is a good place for a couple hot chicks to get it on together, and they also do not limit themselves to it just being a couple of hot chicks.

The sex in Lesbo Sluts in Heat was fucking hot, I’m sure that these chicks aren’t lesbos though, and at times I could swear I could just see in their eyes that they were craving cock doing some of these fuck scenes.

Lesbo Sluts in Heat gets four cocks-up and proves once again that girls just wanna have fun.

A lot of people, especially with today’s American government, claim that porn and free speech are being repressed. It’s movies like Shavin Starlets 3 that show us the parallels between current American politics and porn. Back in the 80’s in both porn and politics; Bush was in, and the more bush you had the better. Now people don’t want to see Bush anymore. Personally I think people should just count themselves lucky that they haven’t had to see Barbara Bush in porn.

Shavin Starlets 3 has some pretty freakin hot pornstars and they, as well as being exhibitionistic getting it on in front of the camera, also seem to really groove on shavin down their pubes for your viewing pleasure. As well as the moderately kinky spectacle of getting to watch some beaver being bushwhacked, the sex itself is hot throughout the show cos these chicks can handle cock just as well as they can handle a razor.

For any squares out there who have always wondered what the appeal of shaven pussy is; Shavin Starlets 3 lets you see that with a trimmed quim, there is oh so much more TO see. The slick wetness, the spreading pussy lips while these chicks play with themselves or fuck cock…all displayed in that much more vividness, and definitely answering the question of why shaved is better in porn. I’m not a big shaving buff in that I dig watching a chick shave her pussy, but I do appreciate a coiffed quiff and doubly appreciate sexy sluts fucking on film.

Shavin Starlets 3 has all this and more and earns itself a very strong throbbing three cocks-up.

The Black Bad Girls are on the prowl again in their 20th edition, shaking their booty asses and hoping to get some hardcore action with any cock they can find as long as it’s hard and knows how to fuck. I’ve enjoyed a couple of the other movies in this series in the past, so when I saw this, and the promise of even more intense action than the other titles in the series, you can see why I had to check it out.

Those chocolate cum-craving cock-sluts are totally into it all… equipped with five fucktastic scenes of interracial action, plus a little masturbation and a threesome thrown in for good measure, Black Bad Girls 20 has all the ingredients you want for a fuckflick that will get you hard, make you cum, and get you hard again. I wasn’t disappointed at all…the action got hotter with scene after scene getting dirtier and sluttier before culminating in a sordid interracial threesome on the couch.

The negress nympho sluts in this movie are babelicious and can come warm my sausage any day, especially with the cock hunger they show in this movie.

Black Bad Girls 20 was a good flick to jack it to overall, and gets a satisfied three cocks-up. It would have gotten more if there’d been more threesome and group action.

Blame it on Rio meets the Loveboat, meets Fantasy Island mixed with a swinger movie equals Fling. This movie reminds me of those stories in a Penthouse Forum column. Now generally one would assume that you would be pretty pissed off to get to your vacation hideaway and find that not just one, but two other couples also have it rented at that exact same time…cell phones would be opening, travel companies would be getting an earful, but these liberal lovers opt for pragmatism and sharing their holiday and horniness with each other.

If you are looking for a down and dirty fuckfest with ultra-sluts doing what they do best…Fling is not for you. But if you’re looking for some nice non-threatening couples porn to add a little zing, it’s probably not a bad choice. Sure, the dialogue is laughable and almost as unbelievable as the swinger type pragmatism of these three couples, is the odds of the three wives/girlfriends all looking like fashion model wannabes or even *gasp* porn models…

The sex is energetic and enthusiastic but lacking in any kink or over-the-top sluttiness, although it does end off with a pretty awesome orgy, and I’m sure that these couples will probably hook up for future vacations.

Fling gets three cocks-up but is something I would definitely recommend as a ‘nice’ couples movie.

Homey in the Haystack is an example of why retarded people should never make porn, especially if they are trying to have a storyline and do ‘parody porn’. Like for God’s sake at least have some idea of what it is you are satirizing otherwise people can’t laugh and you can’t have a story, and you waste a lot of time with costumes and idiocy that could be used with hot hardcore sex. The sex itself was hot enough and the chicks were slutty enough that they undershot their potential and lost valuable fuck time preferring instead to waste our time with satire that doesn’t make sense unless you’re some illiterate redneck living in a trailer park (or the impound lot that your trailer happens to be in)

You see, Homey in the Haystack starts you off with a storyline… (and you all know how much I hate storylines in porn) Anyways, this one at first appears that it’s offering something different because they obviously took some time with wardrobe and setting, and the feel kinda reminds you of those Amish folk in the Harrison Ford movie Witness…which is probably generic with any other Amish type movie. Then you find out that they are supposed to be Mormons, not Amish, which is kinda cool because everybody knows how slutty Mormon chicks can be. After all, repression leads to decadence, and those Mormon chicks get so repressed that when they get active they are little energizer fuck-bunnies.

Call me anal retentive (and even tho I dig watching anal sex that’s not what I’m talking about right now) but I hate people confusing their religions/cults when trying to satirize them. Then you find out that these ‘Mormons’ have black slaves…I don’t get why these guys didn’t just make another ’southern plantation owner with black slaves has fuck-fest where southern mistress gets gangbanged by black slaves’ flick…I guess they just wanted to be artsy and instead just showed what retarded time wasting porn producers they are, especially when they have phenomenal fuck talent in their movie, cos the one thing I will say for Homey in the Haystack is that the sex itself (when it happens) is awesome cos the chicks totally know how to fuck, and obviously love cock, as well as getting it on with each other.

The energy of those sex scenes saves Homey in the Haystack from a measly one cock-up, and it gets two cocks-up cos if you fastscan, you will find something to shoot your load to I’m sure.

One of the coolest and most destructive things about humanity is our constant need to climb in a neverending ascent to make whatever we have that is cool just a bit (or a lot) cooler. This can be a bad thing in the case of gamblers, drug addicts, etc, or a crazy extreme sports kinda thing like bungee jumpers, skydiving, constantly climbing the highest mountains they can find, etc, but the best example of this is when you encounter seasoned sluts in porn like in Anal Intruder 7.

First off I gotta warn you that unlike the non-stop full-out start to finish hardcore sex that I enjoy…they do try to be pretentious and waste your time with the pretense of a story. In my opinion fire the fucking writer, throw out any scripts, use the money you save on drugs and alcohol…tell these sluts to go crazy and let the cameras roll. It would’ve made for a better movie, but this was still sploogeworthy material.

~ ~ ~ ~ Click Here To View Movie ~ ~ ~ ~

Back to what I was saying about these sluts being an example of the good way that some people are driven to seek a bigger buzz and new heights in their experiences, cos damn these chicks are super fine super-sluts and they have taken so much cock up their pussies that their anal eagerness is a turn-on value in itself. They fill both holes either with cocks or toys, girl on girl, girl on guy…doesn’t fucking matter.

The other night I reviewed Nymph Fever 9 and found it so hot that I looked for other movies that sounded similar and found Born For Porn. Now first off with Nymph Fever 9, I let you all know that it totally lived up to its name in every way. Sadly, Born For Porn left me flaccid and frustrated as well as pissed off that people lie when making titles for movies, or they are just fucking morons, and hopefully they never breed anything for any purpose, including more moronic children modelled on their own genes.

This movie is just sad, sad, sadder than sad…and saddest of all is that obviously some lamewit actually believed that these chicks were the kind of sluts that are “Born For Porn”. These chicks are maybe born for saying ‘Would you like some fries with that ? Or cooking breakfast for hubby before he goes off to do real things, and she then vegetates on her daily soap operas. Maybe these chicks were born to hang out at the mall texting and going ‘tee-hee’…but they were not Born For Porn unless it was some truly lame-ass porn they were born for (in which case this movie qualifies).

The sex itself is very standard…the chicks, while pretty enough in a way also tend to look very generic and really other than naked flesh and generic fucking has nothing to give your willy a thrilly.

So one generous cock-up for Born For Porn…don’t waste your time like I did, and pick a better movie instead.

One of the most essential ingredients if you’re trying to create a super spicy sexfest porn flick is the slut factor of the actresses. It’s always hot to see some nympho chick getting fucked and showing how much she loves cock. If you’re lucky as a producer and a viewer you get to experience the true sluts of the biz who you get to see in some movies enjoying cock and in some movies getting just as jazzed up while getting juiced up with other equally hot sluts.

Chick Flick 8 is pornographic proof that some things do not change over time. Even when we were young, if we were to hear that Suzie down the street was having a sleepover; we would know, or somehow sense, that on some level it was a more fun or special time than we would have when one of our buddies would sleep over. Chick Flick 8 shows that 15 years later, those special times that some chicks have when they get together still has a vibrancy of its own, guaranteed to satisfy your most voyeuristic needs.

The jewel in the crown for Chick Flick 8 is the final sensational squirting sapphic sex session as three of the sluttiest sluts that ever did slut, get together to jam together in one of the sluttiest, most energetic chick on chick on chick scenes I have ever seen.

Chick Flick 8 gets four cocks-up…next time slam some cock into these pussies too and your next ‘Chick Flick’ will get a five.

In my many years as a pervert purveying porn, I have seen a lot of whacked out and/or revolting and/or completely senseless fetishes…people dressing as plush animals, dudes dressing up as babies, or as South Park showed us, Japanese girls puking on each other, and Brazilian Fart Sex. There’s an insane range of different strokes for different folks out there, but above them all this is one that doesn’t make any freakin sense to me.

U-G-L-Y…these chicks ain’t got no alibi, they’re ugly… These chicks have no tits, no asses…I mean, we’re talking chicks that if you put paper bags over their heads, you still wouldn’t want to fuck them! I mean, why the hell would somebody film this unless maybe they were testing viagra at the time or something. All I can say is, unless you are so much of an ugly loser yourself that the only way you can feel good is to look at other ugly people…DON’T watch this movie. Butter Face gets zero cocks-up and if I could do negatives, I would…what the hell, Butter Face gets negative five gajillion cocks-up!

A multi-hued slutteriffic nasty fuck-fest extravaganza that lasts longer than even your average Hollywood production, and definitely supplies you with more wood and chances to shoot a load than your average Hollywood production as well, although Optimus Prime did give some pretty major raging hard-ons to a lot of truck enthusiasts…oh yeah, that chick in Transformers was worth splooging for too, but I digress. Intensitivity 4 is one fuck show guaranteed to give you something to shoot your load to repeatedly, and if it doesn’t then you’re fucking gay.

Sometimes in porn you get the porn-starlet who spends her time trying to look good for the camera and make it so that she’s easy to airbrush for photo shoots…sometimes you get the chicks who look like crack whores and can’t wait to finish the scene so they can get their twenty bucks and fuck off to find a fix…sometimes you get those chicks who don’t really look like they’re into or even know what they’re doing and suck cock while their minds (or what passes for their minds) are obviously a million miles away, and THEN sometimes you luck out and you find a film filled with true sluts who are there for cock first and money second.

~ ~ ~ ~ Click Here To View Video ~ ~ ~ ~

These chicks are what porn should be made around and these chicks are the sluts of Intensitivity 4. Something for everyone in this movie. You want a couple chicks getting it on together? You got it. You want a couple of chicks taking turns enjoying some cock or at the same time? You got it. Wanna see some dp action where the holes get really stretched and the Ho’s yell for more? You got it. You like a dark drink to shoot your cream into? You got it…some sweet dusky decadent sluts also grace the screen in Intensitivity 4.

In short, Intensitivity 4 has something for everyone and gets five full-on cocks-up.

Snatch Attack is basically what it sounds like, hungry horny pussies on the prowl for penetrating prick pleasure. There isn’t anything really special about this movie, but the chicks are hot enough and slutty enough to carry the picture, as well as make my cock rise to the occasion several times while watching the frenzied fuck and suck action.

Fortunately they don’t waste a lot of valuable jack-off time pretending to really be actors and actresses with a storyline, and after some cursory openers, the action gets down n funky like George Clinton.

These babes are pro-sluts, they know it and they’re proud of it, and they show it as they go gung-ho for cock in scene after scene, and dude, a couple of these dudes are old enough to be their fathers but these chicks are slutty enough not to be prejudiced about age and just get down and enjoy it for our viewing pleasure. Nor do these super-sluts draw the line with straight-on vanilla one-on-one sex, but they happily show us that an extra cock to fill an extra hole is always a welcome thing in their opinions, as well as in their pussies.

Snatch Attack gets a very jackable three cocks-up…it coulda been a lot better and it coulda been a lot worse, but it did make me shoot a full load.

Porn movies have always been known for their idiotic although sometimes amusing titles…especially when they rip off major box office hits. Personally if I were renting or buying a movie based on titles, Bodacious ta-ta’s would be at the bottom of my list, if I didn’t completely gloss over it. I mean, ‘ta-ta’s’ who the hell says ta-ta’s? Some poorly taught breast-fed one year old? Also the bodacious part makes it sound like some Jeff Spicolli meets Bill & Ted porn show, and totally does not go with the ta-ta’s part. So my first advice to the makers of Bodacious ta-ta’s is, get a new freakin title…now on to the show.

Anybody who isn’t a total idiot, or a closet case fag, likes chicks with big tits. Plastic surgeons throughout America have made millions of dollars from this little fact, as well as the millions of dollars made by cancer clinics a couple years after the plastic surgeons make their money, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Now I can’t totally tell with these chicks whether they are all natural, or partly fake…what I can tell is that they’re not partly small, and they are freakin huge.

~ ~ ~ ~ Click here To View Video ~ ~ ~ ~

Sadly though, sploogetastic porn is not formed from big tits alone, and while the movie did not lack for decent sex, it didn’t have anything with a special zing unless you have a particular big-tit fetish beyond the norm, in which case yeah you would probably shoot a bigger load than I did. For the hotness of the chicks, and for living up to it’s title (even though the title is totally stupid).

Bodacious ta-ta’s gets two cocks-up.

Yknow how so much porn is just so non-spectacular that unless you’re a 16 year old virgin who’s used to jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog it just doesn’t give you the pervo porn buzz you desire, especially nowadays when porn is everywhere and for a movie to zing it’s gotta have that extra something. Funny Boners 3 did not have that extra something and instead of being called Funny Boners it should have been called Fucking Boring.

One of the best things I can say for this movie is that it could have saved everybody’s favorite sitcom, Cheers. I mean, Sam Malone was a total freakin babe hound, and sure, she may have devolved into a protoplasmic life-form but Kirstie Alley was kinda hot in the day and if they’d had a bar like this where we could’ve watched George Wendt cruise in and slam his salami in some slut’s dancing pussy as people called out ‘Norm!’ and Cliff Claven rambling on crazily, kinda like I am now, while he gets his cock sucked (unfortunately I’m not getting mine sucked right now though)…Cheers would’ve lasted a lot longer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Click Here To View Video ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But this movie was not Cheers, and was not funny, and had very standard sex scenes of the sort that are expected from porn with nothing special to bring to the table, and gets one generous cock-up.